Much Ado About Nothing
by Kurissyma san Tybalt
Summary: A RoyAi parody of one of my favourite plays of all time. Due credit to William Shakespeare and Hiromu Arakawa. Birthday fic for Pickes-the-Great


_Note: Plot © William Shakespeare, characters © Hiromu Arakawa… I feel so original. Anyway, this is an AU-ish parody of the play 'Much Ado About Nothing' which I love to bits. It's pretty general and the only definitive roles are Riza as Beatrice, Roy as Benedick, Winry as Hero, Ed as Claudio. Fuhrer Bradley is a deformed representation of Don John, I guess, and Don Pedro is a mixture of General Grumman and Maes Hughes._ _I've wanted to do one for a while but only found occasion to start it because of Pickles' birthday so this is for her! Sorry if it's a little late- I don't get time difference. Anywho, Enjoy!! Much love, Rissy-chan_ Much Ado About Nothing- Parody 

**Chapter 1**

"She's beautiful isn't she…?" Edward murmured to himself quietly one day, whilst sitting at a new café in Central City and discussing post-war politics with Colonel Mustang.

Said companion blanched at this statement. They had just been talking about Olivier Armstrong, after all, and though, in the right light certain people (cough-Buccaneer-cough) might find her ferocious smile and quick darting eyes somewhat attractive, she was not a woman to be described as 'beautiful', nor one who would consider it a compliment if she _were_.

The object of Major Elric's infatuation, however, soon became clearer as Mustang followed his eyes over to a nearby table where sat a certain blonde Lieutenant and a certain female automail mechanic…

"Who: _Hawkeye_??" he choked out quickly and even rather defensively. "Intelligent, perhaps; _Violent_, even more so; But _beautiful_?? Well, I-"

"Not the Lieutenant, you idiot. _Winry_!" Edward exclaimed, maybe a little too loudly, seeing as he attracted both of the girls' attention with that statement.

"Oh, Ed!" Winry called over happily. "Hi!!"

Riza smiled politely and also waved, causing Roy to look down and mutter into his meal distastefully, looking up only as the girls walked over to join them at their table.

"How are you both?" asked Winry. "Anything important going on?"

"There's a ball for the military staff coming up," Ed managed to blurt out, blushing bright red. "The Colonel and I were discussing costumes- since it's a masque." He glanced at Roy, who shrugged and didn't deny it, before grinning. "I was wondering if you'd wanna go with me, actually," he suggested, nervous yet casual.

Winry looked absolutely delighted. "Really?? A ball? How cute!! Do I get to dress up? Oh, Riza, will you help me??" She turned to the older woman appealingly and laughed out loud as she agreed to help. "This' going to be heaps of fun! Are you going with anyone, Mr Mustang?"

Roy shrugged lazily. "I'll find a girl," he said, skilfully ignoring the daggers that were being shot at him through his 2IC's vibrant amber eyes. "I might ask that waitress over there… the busty blonde one."

"Oh, You shallow man!" Riza exclaimed immediately, tapping her fist on the table furiously. "Have you _ever_ had a deep and meaningful relationship with a woman in your life?"

Roy clicked his tongue with a sigh. "No," he replied without hesitation, "And it's thoughts like that which drive the men away from _you_. You'd really be quite sought after, you know, if you just-"

"-Slept with every man who asked me out?" Riza finished for him, glaring. "I honestly can't believe you sometimes!"

"…Do they ever quit? It seems like they're always arguing about something," Winry sighed softly to Ed as the two military officers continued to go at it.

"I dunno," said Ed "They care for each other really, but they've both been kinda cranky since the Fuhrer announced the ball this morning."

"Maybe she's upset because she wants him to ask her…"

"WOW!! Ed and Winry and Roy and Riza!! What are the odds I'd find you all here??" The familiar voice of Maes Hughes cut in roughly as he clapped the two men on the shoulders and drew them together with a grin. "I don't suppose you've all met my lovely wife and daughter, have you?? This is my dear Gracia and Elysia-chan!! Say hi!!"

Mrs Hughes smiled sympathetically as the group rattled the necessary greetings. "Couldn't you tone it down just a little, Maes?" she asked, gesturing vaguely with her hand. "You do come on a little strong sometimes, you know?"

"Are you kidding?" asked Maes, twice as loudly. "I couldn't possibly give up a chance to show off my beautiful wife and child in person!!"

"Maes…"

"Oh, alright fine," he agreed with a little sigh. "So, are all of you going to the Masque Ball this weekend?"

Ed and Winry replied happily in the affirmative while Roy and Riza both gave unenthusiastic little nods. Maes noticed this.

"Roy, why so gloomy?" he asked, hands on hips. "Did Hawkeye turn you down?"

Roy opened his mouth to protest violently but Riza beat him to it. "Oh he didn't ask _me_, Maes," she said rather venomously. "But he did mention planning to ask that waitress right there_- 'the busty blonde one'_." She said the last part loud enough that the passing waitress heard it and 'accidentally' spilled the hot coffee she was carrying to the next table over Mustang's lap before storming off.

Roy scrambled to his feet with a cry and Riza laughed bitterly at her triumph.

"Oh dear, are you all right?" asked Gracia, not quite managing to sound _completely_ sympathetic after what she had just heard of Roy.

"Just _fine_," Roy muttered, dropping back into his seat while Maes and Ed laughed uproariously.

"Come on, let's get you home and cleaned up."

The sighed measure of compassion from Riza surprised everyone. Her twists and turns where he was involved were rather hard to follow, after all, even if it was obvious that she could never stay mad at him for long.

Roy grunted his assent and excused himself from the others before letting Riza lead him out of the café (leaving Ed with the unpaid bill) and down the street, all the while muttering that he would probably never have children because of that burn.

-

As it turned out, both Roy and Riza ended up going to the ball alone. Roy wearing a pathetic black mask, which he seemed to think concealed his identity completely, and Riza wearing a pretty burgundy dress that matched her eyes- fully visible due to her being unable to find a mask in the same shade.

"Good evening… Miss Hawkeye, is it?"

Riza, who knew full well, despite the fake accent, that it was Roy talking to her, decided to humour him. "Yes, actually, it is. Have you seen Colonel Mustang? I was hoping for a chance to dance with him later on…"

Roy brightened considerably. "Really??"

"Yes… He's an idiot but he must be lonely without that pathetic blonde who turned him down the other day," Riza agreed off-handedly.

"Well, I always thought that he was rather intelligent," Roy insisted, urging her to agree. "And not the type to be put off by such trivial matters either."

Riza only shrugged, enjoying the torture that she was putting her poor oblivious superior through. "He doesn't know anything about women," she stated casually.

"I beg to disagree-"

Riza held up a hand for silence. "Let's not talk about him, anyway. Would you care to dance, Mr…?"

"Actually, I'm… err… feeling a little ill and would rather stay seated," said Roy quickly. "But why don't you just tell me more about Colonel Mustang? Isn't it true that you secretly like him?"

"Not at all," Riza replied instantly. "We are simply too different to get along."

"What about opposites attracting and all that??" He sounded a little desperate now.

"They don't."

Roy opened his mouth and then closed it again miserably.

"I think I'll go and find him now," Riza went on, smirking softly to herself as she turned. "Goodbye, sir."

-

"Roy and Riza are so oblivious that it hurts…" Maes muttered to himself as he stood by the punch bowl getting his beloved wife a drink as she waited over with Winry and Ed.

"You're right about that, son!"

"General Grumman, sir!!" Maes exclaimed, glancing up quickly to see his superior officer standing over him with a small grin on his old greying face..

"Yes, that's me," Grumman chuckled. "Little Riza is my granddaughter, you see, so I know what you mean. Roy too- he's as good as one of my own. Known 'em two since they were young 'uns and even then I could see that they were falling for each other!"

"So you agree?" asked Maes excitedly. "That's wonderful!!"

"Yes, it is," Grumman agreed. "I even have a little something in store for them for which I might need your help. Report to my office tomorrow morning at 10?"

Maes snapped into a happy salute. "You can count on it, sir!!"


End file.
